It’s November 30, 2021, I lay on my bed, binge-watching YouTube videos and Sandra Ilesanmi crosses my mind. It’s 4:28 pm, I pick my phone and dial her number, “The number you have called is currently switched off”. “Oh! Okay. I’ll send a mail, she’ll be so glad when she reads it.”
It’s some minutes after 11, I take a walk to my WhatsApp status, “Rest on Sandra”, “You lived well, Sandra”. How?! How do these things happen?
Sandra’s death is the third this year that has shaken me to my core and the second that crossed my mind shortly before it happened. I have questions. Heavy ones! What was the thought in their head as they breathed their last? Did they have a final wish? Why did they die? Is that all?
I hate deaths. I don’t handle them well. It hurts so badly that the only memory we have of these people are pictures, chats and sometimes, regrets that we didn’t reach out to them often. This isn’t about me because, in the grand scheme of things, I’m a third person recipient in all of these deaths. I can’t afford the luxury of journeying into the heads of their immediate family. It must be dark in there.
Death is cold. Death is cold. Death. is. cold! You don’t get closure, just memories and when you have not heard from them in a long while before their death, you don’t remember the texture of their voice. You start to juggle your memory for that one time that they made you laugh. Again, you want to know so badly what the last thought in their head was as they breathed their last.
Grief is complicated. One minute, you soil your pillows with tears. The next minute, you see a funny video on Instagram and your senses betray you, you laugh and then you get angry because you think you have done the dead a disservice. These thoughts are exhausting. Tiring. Painful. Unattractive.
I know I’ll see Sandra again someday. This is the confidence we have when we grief as believers. One day, we’ll see again and maybe, relive memories. Sandra lived well. She gave herself to impact, value and lived for Christ. It makes my heart warm. I’m glad she chased purpose early and with vigour.
This picture reminds me of Sandra. I was speaking at one of her many events for secondary school students.
To all the ones we’ve ever lost, we will not hold you in our arms anymore but we will continue to hold you in the arms of our memories.
If you want a lesson in this piece badly, let it be that you do not live for yourself alone. Live for the glory of God! If you’re not sure of anything, be sure of where you want to spend eternity. We’ll cross over someday. It’s a due we all MUST pay.
Goodnight, Sandra! I Love You.
