Yo!
I don’t know what your plans were when you clicked on this link but the following words are not entirely organized. I just want to rant.
Today, I randomly remembered that day after school in Primary 4 with my lunch box and my brown bag strapped on my back, I had imagined what it would feel like to graduate from the University. I smiled at the thought.
To be honest, my sight was quite accurate. I knew what I would look like and act like. However, I didn’t know what the challenges would be.
While I am glad about how far I have come, I still miss childhood. I miss when my only worries were how to dispose the lunch I didn’t finish at school before my Mum finds out. I miss taking 1st position every year. I miss reciting memory verses in church. I miss my innocence and how peacefully I slept in the afternoon. I miss how much I worried about which style to wear my socks for the day. I miss the meticulous way that my elder sister ironed my school uniform. I miss when I didn’t bother if I had money or not.
I have an endless list of the things that I miss.
I cannot remember when I started to feel solely responsible for myself but the last three years have been quite overwhelming. I drag everything with adulthood. My head, my body, my actions and inactions, everything. Adulthood wants to be in charge of everything.
I never thought that a day will come when I have to answer the question, “So, when are you getting married?” and when I reply and say, “I am not ready, it’s not a priority”. They go ahead to remind me why a woman needs to crave marriage.
What these people do not know is that I crave marriage, I just have a priority list and marriage isn’t on it at the moment.
I never thought a day will come when I have to justify my choice of clothes to random people. “Why do you dress like a man?”, they say (flashing a fake smile to cushion the effect of the question). And when I say my choice of clothes aren’t restricted, I just wear what fits my personality. And I tweak it every now and then. They go ahead to remind me why I should dress to project my femininity.
What these people do not know is that, what I wear or do not wear is not a proof of my femininity. I have a mantra for decency and simplicity. If I don’t breach that, I’m fine.
I never thought a day will come when my younger sister would need data and my name pops up in her head as an option. I thought we were two jolly sisters without needs because Mummy and Daddy would be there to provide.
It’s one thing to make money and spend it on yourself. It’s a different level of responsibility when you start to make money and use it for others. I mean, your secondary school classmate is getting married and you have to buy clothes. Oh! Someone needs financial assistance, you have to part with some thousands.
I never thought that a day will come when I’ll make a list of my needs and wants on my notepad and start to imagine that I mistakenly get an alert of 75 million naira.
In the midst of all these, there are days that you look at your parents and you’re like, “How do I show gratitude for the sacrifices that they have made?”.
Then, Nigeria starts to frustrate you.
See, I can go on and on about the endless tug of war with adulthood and not exhaust the list but I know one thing:
I know that amidst my worries and concerns, I am not alone.
A songwriter says that God never brings you thus far and says, “I’m done”. It has never happened and it will not happen.
What I have learnt to do is to stay connected with myself. I understand my completeness and it’s not debatable. It really doesn’t matter how many things life throws at me, “if I fit dodge am, I go dodge am” and if it hits me and I fall, I stand and I move again.
My worth is not attached to transient things, they will pass. Material things? I will have them in abundance.
Look, sometimes, I think we are always in a hurry to acquire things (either for the right or wrong reasons). Be patient! Gbogbo wa la ma je breakfast (If you don’t get this joke, I can’t help you).
This is getting longer than I envisaged but if you don’t take anything from here, remember to take it easy with yourself.
Clap and leave a comment, I’ll be here to read.
